Itâs trueâtone and body language affect our interpretation of what is being said or shared. So, the words are skewed by the mood, as I like to say.
Not ever, though, is a note, an email, a text, letter, announcement or instant message ever received in exactly the same time, mindset and energy that it was sent, so itâs not only timing, and context, that affect our communication, those words we choose really do matter.
The difference in opting for âIf your time and interest permit, please join us for âŚâ and âWe are filling a table to support âŚâ can evoke the sense of inquiry in the former and obligation in the latter.
Most of us have received that email with the subject line âOpportunity for youâ only to open it to realize it is an ask, an inquiry or an outright expectation of our time, resources or both. Wouldnât life be simpler, and have an ease to the navigation, if our words were clear, without double meaning or assumption?
It can be.
Letâs agree to replace expressions such as âIf you are not too busyâŚâ with âWhen your time permits,â and switch âIâd like to pick your brainâ to âSince you are an expert in XYZ, if we could spend 20 minutes discussing that, it would be greatly appreciated,â and âDid you get my text/emailâ when we see someone to âYou may or may not have received my text/email and, either way, you can skip it if you have five minutes to talk about XYZ now.â
The difference in these phrases, and these words, is that it allows the receiver to hear a context that is likely not attacking or mysterious. These words allow for us to be clear in what we are sharing/asking and, therefore, what the person is hearing/accepting.
Words and phrases such as âIâm so busyâ and âI am too busy to âŚâ donât evoke a picture to the listener that you are organized and productive, rather they create tension and a mood of wanting to excuse you to get back to your disorganized, or overbooked, life that sounds neither fun nor empowering. Instead of letting someone âbundle you up in busy-ness,â thank them (appreciation is so welcomed, enjoyed and yet too rare) for asking so as not to scold or judge, them and simply turn the idea of busy into a reference to an opening in a schedule, how productive you are and/or what does fit/work rather than what does not match your availability.
Starting and ending requests is something I am often asked about and as recently as this month had both students and professors inquiring about two messages, in particular, and since this etiquette column is intended for both practical, and timely, etiquette as well as edgy topics to create a buzz, here they are: âFriendly reminderâ and âThanks in advance.â Dismiss them both.
These overused phrases are neither friendly nor coming from gratitude. They are presumption masked in politeness. Itâs a veiled mask, so let people know that a timing notice is an update, that there is âStill time to complete,â and instead of thanking someone in advance for their consideration, write or say âRespecting you likely have multiple requests for your time, should you please let me know by day/time, that will be appreciated and if we donât connect by then, I will follow up with you directly.â In other words, take ownership as you respect their demands on their energy and stick with words that are clear in planning, and meaning, in order to enhance relationships with words and set clear boundaries, and expectations, rather than hoping âwhat you meantâ comes across to the other person in whatever time, space and mood they are in.
Debbie Lundberg is the founder and CEO of the Florida-based firm Presenting Powerfully. An 11-time published author, certified virtual presenter, certified life coach, certified leadership coach and certified image consultant, she is a performance coach who co-hosts the Business of Life Master Class podcast. Her latest book, Remote Work Rockstar, has become a guide for working and leading virtually.