Traversing long-term traumatically impacted people & conversations kindly

By Loran Jarrett, DBA, and Debbie Lundberg, MBA

Educators, Entrepreneurs and Hurricane Helene/Milton Home Loss Victims

You hear about it on the news or through a friend of a friend and yet, those stories about traumatic situations, and their impact on people are real, and the people involved are, in fact, genuinely traumatized.

Those who have experienced traumatic events such as a long-term health crisis, hurricanes and other seemingly unimaginable experiences, tend to face/endure emotional, physical and psychological challenges, long after the procedures, outcomes or the storm has passed. Respecting that comments may be well-intended, certain messaging can inadvertently cause recipients to feel dismissed or their emotions minimized. This can most often occur when commenters try to “look on the bright side” too quickly or downplay the impact of the prognosis or the disaster/event. Rather than rushing a forced sense of recovery, it’s best to acknowledge the full scope of one’s potential loss including the emotional, sentimental and physical aspects. Additionally, it is best, and only appropriate, to offer genuine support without making assumptions about their feelings or readiness to move on. Often, what victims of these circumstances/situations can use most include respect, empathy and practical offerings/solutions/actions.

Appreciating that not everyone will experience a hurricane, and we don’t wish it upon anyone to lose their home and 90% of their belongings the way we both did, sadly, most people will experience a surprising health diagnosis at some point in their life. Certainly, all of us will be exposed to people who have gone through these traumas. Because of those reasons, and your desire to support people affected, below is a list of DOs and DON’Ts for interacting through a trauma someone may experience.

Supporting someone in a medical or natural disaster crisis requires thoughtfulness, empathy, energy and practical assistance rather than wishes, hope, or even words.

The devastation of a diagnosis, and/or a huge loss, won’t disappear with your supportive actions and empathetic interest yet, for those going through these things, the devastation diminishes with each kindness and with each demonstration of active love.

Next time you hear about huge impacts on the news, or through a friend of a friend, know those stories of traumatic situations, and their impact on people, are real and the people involved are, in fact, really traumatized, and that you can genuinely, sincerely and in a very real way, positively impact their recovery based on replacing the DON’Ts with the DOs.

DOs

• Acknowledge the situation or trauma experienced: Say, “Please know you have been on my mind,” “I am so sorry for what you’re going through,” or “While I cannot imagine all you are experiencing, you are loved.”

• Offer positive vibes, prayers or thoughts: “Your family will be in my prayers.,” or “You are on my mind, and in my heart, with positive vibes and energy.”

• Send thoughtful, low-maintenance communications: A text that you were thinking of us/them, possibly along with your active love offering, and selflessly make a reply optional by stating “No reply requested.”

• Recognize the recovery process: “It will take some time for things to recover and that’s okay.”

• Offer specific help: “Can I bring you dinner?” “Do you need help with your laundry?” or “Can I watch your children?” This approach removes the need for additional energy by the recipient who is already constrained by the circumstances.

• Show up: Sometimes, being there to help clean up or offering practical aid without being asked makes a world of difference.

• Talk about things other than the disease, situation, or traumatic experience.

• Follow up later: After the initial chaos, check back in to offer help again when they may have a clearer sense of what they need.

• Offer to send food or gift cards

• Talk about things other than the disease, situation or traumatic experience.

DON’Ts

• Assume things are “back to normal”: Comments like “It must be great that things are getting back to normal!” can feel dismissive. • Don’t trivialize their losses: Comments like “They’re just things” or “It’s just stuff” can undermine the emotional and sentimental value of what they’ve lost.

• Say qualitative comments about their appearance: Avoid comments such as “You look good for having cancer.,” or “How can you have lost your home and look so good?” These can feel superficial and frivolous.

• Offer platitudes about resilience: Saying “Kids are resilient” or “You’ll bounce back” can feel like you’re not acknowledging the current pain and trauma. Twisting religious verses to fit the situation can be unsupportive, such as “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” The statement, alone, is inaccurate to the spirit of the verse.

• Focus or compare something significant with something minor: For instance, “I’m so hot without power” can feel tone-deaf when someone else has lost their home. • Compare to worse situations: Saying “It could be so much worse, look at North Carolina” minimizes their loss and experience.

• Offer empty help: Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” “I’m here for you” or something else that makes the sender feel better, be clear, direct and offer specific, tangible options, or better yet, take action. Don’t discuss survivor guilt with a victim or patient, rather seek comfort with others in a similar situation or a professional.

• Avoid suggesting a plan or doctor they don’t want or relocation: Questions like “So are you going to move now?” can feel judgmental or push them to consider big life changes too soon, when they have just been forced into a big life change.

• Do not send an open-ended question via text, email or voicemail: Stating “I’m just checking to see how you are. Let me know what I can do,” “Keep me posted,” or “How are you?” as that is an additional to-do for the person who is already constrained by the circumstances.

• Ignore timelines and what it takes to move forward – action, energy and time: Asking “When will things be back to normal?” or “What is your timeline to move back into your home?” can add stress when people are still overwhelmed and dealing with the aftermath. Often, in these situations, there are many variables, out of their control, and they are anxiously working to understand their own next steps.

• Ask/tell “let me know when I can take you to lunch”: Recognize that time is a precious commodity for people affected. People in business, and specifically entrepreneurs, are salvaging what may have been impacted personally, and professionally. Respect how they prefer to utilize, and maximize, their time in the aftermath. Offer lunch in whatever modality may work for them, and their time preference, such as you dropping it off for them.

• Talk with pity and/or judgment in the conversation with your family or friends: The best discussion that could be had is how to participate and how to support, your friends, relatives or acquaintances. Spending time talking about how those affected are handling it, can be nice for the praise, however action is preferred.